Having an unplanned Ego death during a psilocybin trip (Report)

I’ll just start off by saying that I’m not an experienced tripper. I’ve taken shrooms once before (about 1.8g). And I’ve taken a tab of LSD twice. I enjoyed the headspace I’ve gotten so far from them, but I didn’t go further than some decent visuals and color saturation. Outside of that I’ve been microdosing shrooms with some good results so far.

I was hoping to trip again today so I woke up early and took 2g of shrooms. Keep in mind, these were part of a bag of 11g that I shredded in a blender. I was microdosing with them for about a month and decided to do a full trip today for fun. Holy shit. Boy was I in for a fucking ride.

When I started to come up I immediately knew something was wrong. I knew I whatever I took had too much psilocybin and I was in for a hell of a time. I wasn’t ready, and I wanted the trip to end right as I was starting to come up. And my dumbass thought that I should down lemonade as I had believed that I had heard before that it can cancel out a trip. After doing research, I realized why I had tripped so fucking hard.

  1. Shredding up and taking shrooms makes them absorb faster
  2. Taking high acidic liquids like lemonade causes the psilocybin to become much more concentrated if taken early while it’s still being digested.
  3. 1 and 2 together lead to the trip to be twice as strong as it normally should’ve been, hence why I pretty much went from playing with sparklers on my first trip to being sent up to the sky like a firework on the second.

I started having some really strong geometric visuals while coming up and a really weird body high, I actually panicked and puked a few times. I kept trying to calm myself down and tell myself that I just needed to wait 6-8 hours and I’d be ok. But time literally wasn’t fucking moving.

I went to my roomate and asked him how long it had been since 8:20am (when I first took the shrooms), he said it was 9:20am, holy shit it was only an hour and I felt like I was stuck in a bad trip for 3. I was still coming up and realized that I’m in this ride whether I wanted out or not. So I accepted my situation and laid down. I pretty much just told myself “Ok shrooms, do what you want with me. I’m in it for the ride”. And that’s when I blasted off to another dimension.

The things I saw, were incredible. Infinite geometric patterns, refractions of shapes, never ending voids of every color ever. I went from freaking the fuck out to feeling a sense of peace. Then I met the beings. They were other worldly, their heads were giant eyeballs and they were wearing capes. One of them brought me through the different dimensions, where I saw everything and felt everything. Personality wise the entity was actually really chill, and he reminded me of korvo from solar opposites.

He was really friendly and asked me if there’s anything I wanted to know. I was just so astonished that I didn’t know what to ask. I did ask about my anxiety and depression (as I originally also wanted to do some mental healing from this trip along with having fun).The being pretty much telepathically communicated to me that I’d be ok, and that mental illnesses are an abstract, and don’t matter. He then told me to “let go.” It was then that I realized he wanted me to let go of my ego, and have an ego death.

I wasn’t ready at first, and kept trying to hold on to that tangent of reality that I had. He said “it’s ok, we can try again later”. He asked me if there’s anything else I wanted to know. I just asked if I could sit with him and watch this dimension we were in, he said “ok”. And there we sat for a while, just watching everything in all it’s beauty. He eventually brought me to more realms, each realm was just as beautiful and mind-bending as the last, after what felt like a long time. He looked at me and asked again “Let go.”.

I then accepted it and allowed myself to fully give in to the trip, I had an ego death. It felt like I melted into nothing, and everything meant nothing, everything lost it’s meaning and I had no identity of myself. I was everything and nothing at once, and I felt like I was part of this universe. It felt scary, yet calm and peaceful. Eventually I ended up in what felt like a control room with other beings. It was like a giant oval room with windows, and you could see that they were looking over earth. They all had capes and eyeballs for heads too.

I started to feel anxious, and wondered if I was coming down, they asked me “what is anxiety?”. And when I thought about I realized it was nothing. I then saw anxiety as something that was tangible, and it slowly melted and dissipated into nothing. I kept overthinking and wondering if I would go insane. Like I literally went from just laughing my butt off with friends on my first trip to being teleported to other worlds on my second. The beings assured me that I’d be ok. And that when the trip was over I’d integrate back into reality and be ok.

I felt much calmer after that, and telepathically I knew they wanted me to find peace. And create meaning from nothing. Things slowly started to come down and I opened me eyes. I was back on planet Earth. For another two or three hours I still had some slight visuals. And I was still in a bit of a trippy headspace. I was trying to explain to my roomate what I experienced, and he could tell I was pretty shaken by what I just experienced.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t. (Keep in mind it was only 1pm). Eventually I felt fully sober and decided to go for a walk. My god, it was the most beautiful walk of my life, I almost wanted to cry tears of joy because I was so happy to be alive. It’s like the shrooms gave me a renewed feeling of appreciation for the life that was given to me. It’s a beautiful day outside right now, and I’m happy that I’m here.

Overall, I wasn’t expecting to get so blasted off of 2g, but I’m glad I did. It was a crazy experience even though it was literally terrifying during the come up. I don’t see myself tripping again for a while, or if I do it’ll probably be really small dosages because this trip was just beyond comprehension.

The main lesson I learned: We are nothing. Everything is nothing. But that’s ok. Because we can assign meaning to what matters, and we can make the most of our lives. Everyday. We’re all connected, and we’re all one with each other. Not just humans, but nature and everything that ever existed.

Life isn’t over because of the quarantine

When the quarantine first started, I thought that life was pretty much over. And for the first few weeks I treated life like it pretty much was. On my days off from work I stayed home playing video games and jacking off. I exercised every now and then but didn’t really push myself as much as I could. At work, the local community donated constant fast food to healthcare staff, so I was ALWAYS eating like shit. During that period I was so bummed out about how I couldn’t go out and enjoy life that I let it negatively effect my mindset.

However, after an awesome acid trip. I realized that life didn’t have to be over because of the quarantine. That this time is one of the best opportunities to cultivate ourselves and start chasing after what we really want. Before the quarantine shit, I was always distracted because I was always out partying and being a delinquent on my days off of work. Now that the most I’m doing is downing a few White Claws here and there, I really had a lot of time to start thinking and planning my goals.

I’ve been taking advantage of this quarantine as much as I could since that realization. I’ve been working towards some personal goals that I’ve been wanting to accomplish for months. Both in terms of making money, expressing myself with interests such as art, and working on my diet and exercise routines to build up on that summer body. I’ve honestly been feeling very productive as of lately and it’s helped in getting rid of those bummed out quarantine vibes. Also, just because there’s a quarantine doesn’t mean you always have to stay at home, so long as you practice social distancing and proper hygiene, there’s nothing that’s really keeping you from enjoying the outside world. No way I’m staying at home all the fucking time and getting depressed.

It does pay off to keep your mind busy and entertained by pursuing your own interests. And I think it’s important that we don’t waste all this free time we’re given on pornhub 24/7. Perspective is important during dark times like these, and if you look for opportunities for growth and start pursuing those opportunities, they’ll pay off exponentially in the future. I didn’t even plan on starting a blog before, but I figured why not? I’ll add that on to my list of things to start and grow while quarantined.

You don’t need an acid trip to get the motivation to start chasing your goals (though it can really help), you really just need to take the first steps in planning how to achieve them. Then taking those steps one at a time. I don’t see this corona virus shit going away anytime soon, and even though parts of the world are opening up slowly, it’ll be a long ass time before everything is fully back to how it was pre-covid. We’ve got plenty of time to chase some dreams right now.

While I’m definitely planning to make up for the lost time in getting fucked up again and having a lot of fun with friends when the society is back up and running; one of my main goals is still to stay consistent with the goals I’ve started now during the lockdown and not getting lazy. It’s all about balance of work and play, and before quarantine that scale was definitely weighed down with tons of bricks on the play side.

Honestly, I’m ready to just kick some ass right now and make the most of the situation that the world is in.

Analysis of the results of microdosing psilocybin for 1 month

About a month and a half ago I had my first full trip with psilocybin (aka Magic Mushrooms). It was an experience that will forever be engrained in me because of how positive and therapeutic of a trip it was. It definitely left me with a greater appreciation of the world around me and for myself. I remember before the trip, I had done some research on microdosing shrooms already, and the many positive effects it’s had on people’s lives.

However, before starting my microdosing journey. I felt that I really wanted to experience the full affects of shrooms with a dose large enough to have an actual psychedelic trip. After, I felt more ready to start microdosing, and waited the allotted time recommended for my tolerance to reset before taking my first microdose.

I’ll normally microdose about 2 to 3 days straight. Then take two to three days off. That way my tolerance doesn’t start going up. The biggest issue with me at first was finding the right dose. I feel that I’m very sensitive to most substances. And that for what most people would consider a normal dose, for me that’s normally a lot smaller. This definitely applied to microdosing.

At 0.2g, I felt really energetic and agitated, it was hard for me to really focus. At 0.15 I felt the same way but to a lesser extent. These effects were persistent until I found the right amount for me. Which was surprisingly a very low dose of 0.07g. That was around the point where I stopped feeling that agitated and irritated feeling I was getting at higher doses. Kind of surprising for someone who’s a 5’8 and 150 pounds. But I guess body chemistry plays a big role on your tolerance to susbtances.

Keep in mind it took a little over a week (about 4 doses) before I found the right dose and started consistently dosing that amount. 2 weeks in I started noticing that I was less reactive to situations that I’m normally more emotional towards. Certain negative experiences through my day can really bother me, even though I usually don’t express it. I have an issue of letting things get to me and troubling my mind for hours on end during the day. However, I was starting to find myself to be non-reactive and clearheaded when negative situations presented themselves. Sometimes I can still ruminate on them for a bit, but I’m very good at stopping myself and getting on with the day.

I also find myself more motivated to complete my goals. I’ve been transferring a lot of this energy into setting up my clothing business before officially launching it. And recently I’ve been more pro-active with expressing my creativity with art, and even started a social media page and a website to sell the art with. This was something that I was holding off with for months, but now find myself with the motivation to go forward with it.

While I’m not necessarily experiencing a lack of anxiety that some people who microdose report. I did start noticing a much better mood consistently throughout my days. I have much less negative thoughts, and am much better at filtering them out of my head. This is a superb improvement in my book as that positivity has lead to me being happier person all around. Now I’m finding myself being much more interactive with others than I normally was before. I’m currently finding myself to be much more open to my colleagues at work than I normally am.

Information seems to be something that I’m much more interested in ingesting now. I’m finding myself consistently listening to informational podcasts or reading articles on different subjects when I normally would just be doing something mindless like watching cartoons (not to say watching cartoons is bad, but beforehand I was doing things like watching anime for half a day when I could be more productive). It’s definitely helped me be more curious and interested in becoming more knowledgeable.

Overall, I’m very satisfied with the results so far. It wasn’t an overnight improvement for me, but subtle and continuous positive effects that built up throughout the weeks. It’s pushed me to be much more productive, and I wouldn’t say microdosing will solve your problems, but can definitely help to be the catalyst to help you do so. In the end, you still have to be the one to take action.

I’ll probably continue to microdose for another 2 months, and eventually take a break. My goal after that would be in solidifying the positive habits I’ve built while microdosing. I’d definitely recommend microdosing if anyone ever gets the chance to do so. It has been very helpful for me so far, and I’m sure can be beneficial for tons of people out there.

Art is one of of my favorite forms of self expression

Art is my favorite medium of releasing creativity. I love conjuring up ideas, bringing them together, and transferring them onto a land scape. Making shit is dope. Art is a way to spread your message through pictures, and being able to convey to the world what you believe is important for people to know. It could also just be mindless fun, without meaning but a way to show your skills in making aesthetic imagery.

My favorite form of art is contemporary. And whenever I make art it’s the style that I go for personally. Contemporary art to me doesn’t have limitations in defining it’s message. I love the aesthetic of it, how open it can be to interpretation, and how modern it looks to me. It’s the form of art I have the most appreciation for. And one of my favorite experiences related to art is when I went to the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

I felt like I could go back to back a dozen times looking at the same art before I’d get tired of it. It had so many pieces. Displays made of neon signs that covered subjects dealing with joy, life, and sex. There were also pieces that involved companies like Nike and Adidas. This is honestly the kind of art that inspired me to start making my own art on canvasses.

Ever since I really started getting into art; I’ve learn to appreciate the aesthetics in life too. Such as the architectural design choices for different infrastructures or the color schemes used to decorate hallways. Even in forms of media like tv shows and movies you start appreciating the small details like specific placement of certain scenes or the visual metaphors.

Right now, I’m trying to share my own personal message through the medium of art with a clothing line. It’s great because it’s allowing me to create clothes that I’ve always wanted to wear but could never find and to spread my message that I hold dear to others; which is the value of individualism. I hope that I can grow into something really successful and to be able to leave healthcare, which don’t get me wrong, is a respectable profession, but totally sucks balls sometimes.

I’m glad that I grew an interest to art when I was young. It had helped me so much in so many ways; with teaching me to be more expressive or being an amazing for of stress relief. One of my favorite things to learn about someone is that they’re into art as well and could talk to that person with hours about it. Most of all, it’s helped bring a greater appreciation for life for me.

Being in the middle of the pandemic as a nurse

It’s been a crazy year since Covid-19 really started picking up and being the global pandemic that it is now. Cities have shut down, people stopped going out, traffic is close to non-existent now. To see a virus bring society down to a halt like this is truly devastating. Being in the frontlines of it in a Covid unit and has been just as crazy.

I think it’s easy to look outside and not really think about how dangerous this virus can be to the people who are susceptible to it. You’re not normally seeing people at their worst with covid when they’re struggling to breath and coughing their lungs out. And for the very unlucky people, they’ve got tubes shoved down their mouths like a deepthroat from hell, these tubes are helping them breath because they can’t do it on their own. Lastly, if your just shit out of luck, you end up dead. Whether it’s because intubation didn’t save you or their just weren’t ventilators available because they were taken by other Covid patients.

There’s a stark contrast that I’m seeing between how people outside of healthcare see covid and those who see it in the frontlines. The headasses protesting in major cities and large towns to re-open businesses and general public services have formed a cognitive dissonance to the dangers of the disease. However, it’s hard to ignore the real danger of Covid when your seeing the real affects of it every time you go to work.

I understand the importance of keeping the economy from completely tanking any more then it has. And that the best way for that is to allow people to work again and get more money back into the the state and government, but what good is being able to pay for family when you or your own family members could pass away because you caught covid from a customer?

While I’m sure the stimulus check had helped families for a short period of time. You can only stretch $1,200 for so long. I definitely see the government needing to send more money to the American public if these restrictions go on. Even then the government can only keep pumping money into the economy until inflation pays a visit and quadruples the price of beef jerky.

However, even with all that going. I’d still take having people be alive over being broke. Having to cut on food for the family sucks, better than having some of them be dead. Being late on bills and potentially not having warm water sucks, better than being dead. Having to lower the amount of fat blunts that you smoke sucks, but still better than being dead. You see what I’m getting at here?

On the topic of being alive, we’ve been seeing a lot of death on my unit since it was converted into a Covid unit. It’s sad to see, and there really isn’t a treatment for this disease. Plaquenil is being touted as drug that has shown some benefits, but really I’m not seeing shit from this drug other than it fucking up peoples’ kidneys and heart rhythms. But I feel doctors are willing to try anything to help these patients. In the end most of what we’re doing is supportive care and hoping the body can fight off the infection.

Do I see in end coming soon with this virus? To be honest, no. I wouldn’t be surprised if it went on until next year. With how easily this virus spreads and the lack of a vaccine; Covid could be around for a long time. I just hope society is smart enough to do what it needs to do in order to get the number of cases down to the point where quarantine restrictions can finally be lifted again.

Because to be honest, miss getting fucking lit man.

Random streams of consciousness while I’m tripping on acid

The universe is honestly an amazing thing. Just thinking about the creation of it and even of how it came to be is completely mindblowing to me. Like what are the chances of the right atoms and molecules or whatever the fuck coming together for the universe to form into what is now.

And thinking about that is making me realize just how truly small we are in the bigger aspect of things. We’re just mammals hanging out in a floating rock circling a bright ball. Just one galaxy in trillions that are all over the great space.

Another thing that popped into my head is that life is honestly fucking beautiful. I just took a walk outside and really appreciated all the amazing colors that the world offered. Like holy shit trees and grass never looked so beautiful. That’s when I had a profound realization that life in itself is beautiful, and we’re all given the gift of experiencing it every day.

Does existence have any meaning? I think that this is something that we create for ourselves. We create meaning in a seemingly meaningless existence. And that sounds kind of depressing, but it also is so freeing. I’m looking outside my living room and seeing how good I really have it right now. And to think that I’m always getting stuck in my head about all the little insignificant things about life that don’t matter.

You really learn to appreciate how lucky we are to be where we’re at. Even in the middle of a global pandemic, you can still learn to appreciate what you do have with you. And for me that’s my amazing family and friends. And I honestly feel like I’ve had the chance to pursue more of what I want with all this extra time.

Being on acid is awesome. And I really wish everyone had the chance to experience this at least once. Maybe there’d be less world wars. And more love? It just blows my mind how selfish and evil some humans can be, I feel most problems can be overcome with sound logic from all the parties involved. But instead people would rather resort to violence. Really sad if you ask me.

Another thing that acid has made me realize is what mental illnesses really are. I’ve dealt with them and they suck. But if you boil things down to what they really are. It’s chemicals. And these chemicals for whatever reason are messed up, maybe there’s too much of this chemical or too little of another. But the goal is to fix them up. Or at least get them to as close to baseline as they can be. Whether that be meds/meditation/exercise/therapy or all together. I’ve always tried to strive to hope that I can just pop a tab or munch on some shrooms and that’d magically fix all my problems. but really, dealing with mental illness is a journey. It takes work, every day. But I know it does get better, because I’m in such a better place than I was years ago.

One of my favorite realizations so far. Is just to go with the flow. Not everything needs to be exact, not everything needs answers. Just go with the flow and let the river of life carry you to where you need to be. It’s crazy how we let all these insignificant things get in the way us enjoying our trip down this river of life. But when you learn to just let go, and realize that where you’ll headed is a good place. Then it’s that much more freeing.

One thing I’ve noticed on acid is this itch to want to learn. Whether it be society/economics/spirituality/philosophy or whatever. I find myself just really interested in other perspectives in subjects that I don’t have that much knowledge in. One great thing about acid is that it really makes you want to take in all other views from the people around you and appreciate the lessons they have to give. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to be able to grow our knowledge in different fields, and be more aware of what’s going on around in the world because we choose to expand our knowledge.

I’m on the tail end of my trip now and hit a dab pen. Shit was wild forsure, definitely made the visuals stronger for a short period. Now I just feel very relaxed, and peaceful. My view on psychedelics has rapidly changed this year after trying them out. And I feel I wouldn’t have tried them out until I was just bored out of my mind in quarantine and figured “why not?”

And to think in college I looked down on them, now I see them as one of the best tools of self improvement and self actualization. They open your mind up to realizations and possibilities that you didn’t imagine before, or maybe you didn’t want to. Not all of my trip so far has been super pleasant, I had to face things and come into terms with things that I didn’t originally want to. But you have no choice but to face them on acid, and after my realizations about these things, I feel much more at piece after accepting them. And I feel hopeful, because I know I have the power to make my life better because of the realizations I made on this trip.

All in all. Acid is fucking dope 🙂

Thoughts on Frank Ocean while I’m high

I remember it was high school when I first started listening to Frank Ocean. Before that all I knew was that he was part of Odd Future. At that time I was more focused on bopping it out to Tyler the Creator like the high school edge lord I was. I listened to Channel Orange and immediately fell in love. Frank had a way of really hitting you in your soul. I could listen to that album front to back. And from then on I was hooked.

I’d have to say my favorite single from there was Forrest Gump, that or Lost. I mean honestly this guy is a fucking natural and making dope shit. Unfortunately, Frank went under the radar for years and got rid of most of his social media. Not until 2016 when he dropped his second album and personally one of my top 3 favorite albums of all time, BLONDE.

Hot damn that was a good album, and all the perfect songs to listen to for a night drive, or a night in the living room high as fuck. Like me right now. As of right now as Nights play I’m just sitting here pondering how Frank has a way of evoking emotions out of you with his music. He’ll go down as one of the greatest musicians and cultural icons in my opinion. That guy has way more musical soul than most artists out there playing on repeat on the radio.

I just seriously hope he drops another album within the decade.

Why did I start this shit?

So this is the introduction post. You’re probably on this site wondering who I am and what this new blog may be about. Well, it’ll be a little bit about everything. Currently in my life I’m a guy in his mid 20s working out on figuring life out. I chose the totally glamorous field of nursing to graduate in college and am now in the midst of a battle of a new virus caused by some guy in china eating the wrong bat.

Fun shit.

I’m also currently trying to be an entrepreneur. One of the few things I may document on here is my journey in building up a streetwear brand from the down up, successes and mistakes. Is it a good idea to launch a new clothing brand in a middle of a pandemic? Who knows, guess we’ll find out.

However, I also created this blog to have a place to document my thoughts. I like to ponder a lot, about society, culture, art, philosophy, all that shit. So figure why not start a blog too and share my crazy thoughts with the world. Don’t expect and form of censorship on this blog, I’m planning to be as open and as honest on this blog as I can be.

Currently, I’m writing this intro high as balls, and I can only hope that you people find some solace or amusement in my posts as this blog continues to grow.